Culinary Delights

The two hunters sat around a collapsible table with collapsible chairs. It never hurt to be prepared. Two cups of tea were on the table, poured from a thermos. Each plate had a small biscuit precisely, almost obsessively, placed.

“So. Vampires. In a tiny township. Who’d've thought?”

“Not to put too fine a point on it, I really would prefer it if you’d just clear out and let me handle this. We don’t want any more fatalities. Or for the vampire to have any more victims.”

“Of course we don’t, that’s why I’m here. At least one professional is needed. And this job lowers the payoff with every victim. We even have to pay for damages! Don’t they know that vampire hunting is an inherently destructive job?”

Dark eyes follow the child’s footsteps, a minute flicker with each step, as the ignorant boy strolls along the street. Hands twitch, and the stalker smirks to himself. The boy steps closer and closer, and the vampire’s black gloved hand reaches out, slowly extending towards the boy’s throat…

“I do love my tea.” A voice echoed.

A man steps into the alley, whistling as he walks and carrying a cup of tea on a saucer. The vampire freezes, hidden in the shadows, not wanting its hunt to be disturbed nor its face unmasked. The man passes by, not noticing the shape in the shadows. The small child takes a few steps away from the alley and turns to look at the approaching person. As the man moves further into the alley, the vampire flows towards him. Flows towards him, and pulls up short as two blades appear in front of it.

“I wouldn’t try that if I were you.” The man on the other end of the blades stood seemingly at ease, the same ease of a tiger, right before it bites your head off. With a speed no human could match, the vampire produced a long-barreled pistol, levelling it at the child it had been stalking.

“Put down the knives, and back away. You can even take the child with you. Otherwise, the child dies. From what I hear, one more death and you lot forfeit your money. Trust me, it’s better all ’round this way.”

“Yeah. And the moon is blue.” The honey voice of the vampire, usually so effective at persuading potential victims, had no effect. “Tell me what you’re doing here.” In his peripheral, he saw the tea-cup, the child and surprisingly, more movement.

“The one with the gun is our target. Wait for him to take out the idiot with the blades, then fire at will.” A soft voice over the intercom. They stand on a balcony watching from above, long rifles poised, waiting for the right shot. “Yes Ma’am.”  The leader peers through her scope and glares at the abomination, “Stupid unexperienced hunters, always making the job take longer and cost more. You’d think they’d have learnt by now.”

“Doing here? Why, I’m keeping myself alive. Is there anything wrong with that?” the vampire purred, watching the child tremble at the sight of the gun leveled at his head. “And I can hardly be held responsible for the fact that children are just that little bit more tasty than the others.”

“Shut up.” the man eloquently replied.  “You have two choices. Death, or a worse death.  I hope you can make the right choice.” he threatened, the blades pressing closer to his neck.

The vampire almost rolled his eyes. “Well, that is a pity.” He slowly lowered the gun, then grabbed the swordsman by the throat. “I suppose I’ll have to take death. Yours. After all, you did try to - ” a cough at the other end of the alley cut off the conversation. The same man from before stood there, still with his cup of tea.

“Duck,” he said, and threw the biscuit. The man with the blades broke the hold and dived out of the way as the biscuit sailed over his head and hit the surprised vampire in the face. When the smoke cleared the vampire was standing in the middle of a charred street, minus a head and torso. The child blinked twice, and ran away, screaming for its mother.

“Do you have any idea how long I was waiting for you to eat one of the biscuits?” asked Mr Candle.

*          *          *

Sable pulled himself up off the ground and brushed some dirt from his coat. “Not bad at all!” he grinned, looking at the gory remains of their prey with some satisfaction.

“Exploding biscuits! Really?” a voice raged from above. The pair looked up and saw three heavily armed mercenaries on the balcony, looking reasonably upset at being deprived of a sizeable paycheck.  The middle one vaulted the rail and dropped down, neatly rolling with the fall and smashing into the wall.

Mr Candle and Sable shared a glance. “She’s a bit uneasy on her feet.” Mr Candle noted. Sable shrugged as the female shook her head and stood, striding over to them both, revealing that she was not much taller than the child herself.

“We had claimed that vampire, don’t you amateurs know anything?” She jabbed Sable in the chest, “We followed him, I was about to shoot and then you idiots wander in and somehow manage to kill it. That kill, and the fee that goes with it belongs to me!”

Sable gestured at the bloody remains of the night stalker. “You might not have noticed, but we got there first. “

Mr Candle frowned. “We? I was the one that killed him. Surely the fee is entirely mine.”

The woman attempted to punch the calculating Mr Candle’s chest, only to have her swing caught mid-air by Sable, who was now chuckling. “Oh my. She seems a bit of bite to her. She’s like a little tiger cub, isn’t she?” he remarked, clamping her arm tight. She twisted his arm sideways and pushed him back, glaring at them both.

“Tiger cub… not bad. I guess. Oh well. If you’re open to a discussion about the fee, Sable, I think we should run along now. The mayor will be waiting for us.” Mr Candle offered, stepping out of the alley.

Sable sighed, and gave a little salute to the mercenaries. “Yes, good idea. Let’s run. Later, Tiger cub.” he smiled, turning and running over to join his new partner, ignoring her curses from behind. “Say, have you got any more of those biscuits?”

Mr Candle smiled and put his hands in his coat. “Of course. If you’d care to name a price…”