Vampires 104 – Identification

One of the hardest things to do when dealing with a vampire is to recognise what your enemy is. We’ve already told you (and the information was gathered at great personal risk and Dark Communist has only recently resurfaced) what the strengths and weaknesses of a vampire are and why they’re obsessed with blood (protection and elimination are coming soon. Just as soon as we have finished protecting ourselves and eliminating the beast which are stalking us), but we forgot to mention how to tell whether you have a true vampire, or just a crazier-than-usual mass-murderer.

First we must dispel a few myths (I don’t know how the vampires managed to persuade Hollywood to provide so much misinformation, but they were very successful). At the top of the list is the sunlight issue. Vampires don’t care about sunlight (some vampires do prefer to sleep during the day, but if I was busy all night – or if I just didn’t have coffee – I’d do much the same). Despite their pale skin, they get less sunburn than a Sahara desert native. Just because it walks outside on a sunny day does not mean it’s human. After sunlight = death, the next myth is that they don’t show up in mirrors. Again, this is not true. Male vampires have to shave as well, and having no reflection could make that difficult. This does not mean that mirrors are useless to a vampire hunter. No, looking behind you is always useful (Oh, by the way, Verity; don’t look, just duck. NOW). The last indentification myth is that if you put a dagger and a cross on a table, blindfold them, and make them pick one they will always pick the dagger. This myth cannot be blamed on Hollywood. It’s much older and goes back to the inquisitions (Spanish or otherwise). Vampires are indeed violently strong atheists (the real reason why they hate priests) and religion revolts them (as explained in 103). However, they have also had centuries, if not millenia, to train their minds so that they can hide this. Couple that with the fact that a normal vampire can see through the blindfold, and you’re much more likely to kill a perfectly innocent (of vampirism, at least) by-stander than you are to find a vampire (even if you did find a vampire, they now know that you  know about them, and now they’re going to come after you).

So how do you find a vampire? Well, some vampires, despite the centuries, are very stupid. When they take human form, they forget bits. Like feet. So if you see someone with hooves, and it’s not a goat, satyr, or horse, then aim for the head. It could be a faun, which should be killed anyway as a matter of principle, or Satin, in which case you’re so screwed that you may as well just shoot and hope you’re wrong, but it’s usually a vampire (and the rest are acceptable colateral damage). However, most vampires won’t give them selves away that easily (OCD generally comes with good attention to detail, as does centuries of planning). These vampires will seem like ordinary humans who could have any personality imaginable (they’re not all introverted emotional cripples who shun social situations, no matter what Stephanie Meyer told you in Twilight). Unless you’re very talented (like my colleague and myself), there really is no way to identify these vampires before they act. Once they take a victim, though, it becomes much easier to identify the vampire. If you’re unbelievably lucky, you will see the vampire as it feeds and be some how undetected. More likely is that you will be able to recognise the symptoms of the victim, then be able to find the vampire by following the victim (this does involve sacrificing some naïve you waif, but the greater good, and your own survival, far outweighs her life. If you move quickly enough, you might even save her). The symptoms are: being anaemic; sleepwalking, followed by being anaemic; two, small puncture wounds above a major artery; memory loss; bloodloss; appearing to be in a fever, except without the change in body temperature; sharpening and elongation of teeth; and bigger curves on body (vampires love tradition, and tradition demands that the first victim be female), with fuller lips. If you are suspicious about the victim’s illness, you can test it. Hang garlic (the bulb is wonderfully distinctive in cinema, but utterly useless in real life; use the flower instead) across all entrances to the victim’s room (this includes windows), and also about the victim’s neck. Then sit and watch the victim for several nights, after making sure that the doors and windows are locked and that you have the only key. If the victim attempts to leave, but, because they are unable to do so, gets better as the days and nights progress, then they are being attacked by a vampire (if they get worse, seek medical advice from a doctor, not the internet). Leave the garlic in place, but “forget” to lock the door. Then follow the victim (have a blood transfusion waiting for when they get back. We don’t want the victim to die because then they’d we’d have another vampire to deal with. Sentimentality is not part of this). Hopefully, you can get close enough to identify who the vampire is. After this, you go away and kill the vampire (that’s next week’s lesson. Admission fees are payable in advance). It is far easier to find the vampire through the victim than by any other means, and probably no-one will die (we are not, however, liable if there are).

A tip, don’t tell anyone about the vampire until you can prove it to them. They won’t believe you. And they’ll lock you up in a mad house. Believe me, I know.