Vampires 105 – Protection

Now you know how to tell the difference between your maths teacher and a vampire (note: they are not always different things. Some vampires try to hide in ordinary jobs, holding their blood addiction at bay by becoming addicted to something else. Pepsi, for example), what do you do about it? My recently returned colleague will discuss how to kill a vampire in a future post (after all, that’s what he does best – the night is safe once more in Denmark), but most people simply won’t be able to take down a vampire (they’re rather hard to kill). If you’re one of these normal people then pay attention, this might just save your life.

The first step is to avoid vampires as much as possible. Try working in an abattoir or a blood bank. Strange as it may seem, vampires stay away from blood drenched areas because it strains their self control too much (no vampire would ever make it to his second century if he just randomly killed whenever he felt like it – we’d track him down very quickly). Also, as we’ve pointed out before, vampires are traditionalists, and tradition calls for wealth without the need for a job. Killing cattle is for peasants. If you can’t avoid a vampire, then move. Quickly. And far away. Some vampires delight in the hunt, but in that case you’d likely be dead even if you stayed, and most vampires will prefer to ignore you and go after easier prey (they may be as strong as twenty men, but true elegance comes from never doing more than you have to, and vampires know it). If, for whatever reason, you can’t move away from the vampire, then find a fortified position. I suggest your local church. Atheism and a mild allergy to holy water that all vampires possess (it’s very mild. Only causes a minor anaphylactic shock and severe burns) tend to keep vampires away from churches. Stay aware from the crypt, though. Given their fondness for tradition, there are good odds that the vampire is sleeping there. You should also stockpile communion wafers (pre-blessed or they as well just be bread). Ground into powder and mixed with water to create a paste, they provide a very good barrier to vampires (for door-to-door salesmen, there’s mastercard). Spread it around your bed before you sleep. Also wear garlic flowers (not bulbs, they’re useless) around your neck to prevent the vampire using mind control abilities to make you leave the circle of wafers (just because the vampire can’t cross doesn’t mean his powers can’t). A large silver crucifix will also come in handy. Silver’s pretty heavy and no-one likes getting a kilo and a half to the head. The fact that it’s a crucifix won’t do anything, but at least it won’t look out of place in the church. Vampires don’t really care about low level holy symbols like that, though a King James Bible is usually pretty effective. The thing ways a ton.

Remember, none of this will actually kill the vampire (unless you’re very, very lucky), but it will drive him off until the heavy duty weaponry arrives. It’s amazing what you can buy on ebay…